Dear sender,
I am out of the office for, well, I do not think I should tell you why, do I? I mean, my doctor did not say it is bad enough for you to get worried, but also, I think it is not as simple as a flu. Are you really interested in knowing why I am out of the office? Did you even notice I was out in the first place? Or were you just sending one of those massive invites to 200 people to discuss something that did not make sense at all and now got my automatic reply? Because in that case, you are probably not interested in knowing, as I was not interested in that meeting and I am happy I won’t have to attend it either. Maybe I will never show up again in those horrendous sessions, because of my medical condition. Or maybe I will, and this is the point where I start doubting if I want to be even more sick than I am now.
Maybe you just sent me an email to ask me to do something for you, something you could have done on your own, something simple, in a passive aggressive way to make me feel both needed and useless at the same time. That I will not miss either. Why are you even sending that email? Have you even stopped for two minutes to google it? Yes, you communist, you are against big corporations and do not want to use Google, but there are alternatives, you know, you cannot be against of actually “googling”, use the alternative expression, “search online”. Problem solved, ohh no, you are too lazy for that. Why are you still here? I guess you are curious of who can do this for you while I am away. You can do it! But also, my colleagues can. Don’t know their names? Time to discover them, consider this a mission to explore a new part of the corporation.
Ahh, you are a lazy one, so you keep reading this to find out when I will be back, so I will still do it for you by then. I will be back when this message is gone, isn’t that precise enough for you? Yes, probably there will be an instant when my reply is coming but I am at the office, does anyone care about that? Maybe you do, you can try again in 5 minutes to see if the reply comes. Haha, it will not, because I set it to respond only once. Now there is uncertainty. Am I here? Am I not? Am I even alive? You can ask one of your colleagues to send an email to me and check, and then another. Soon you will be running out of them, and starting to get asked why you need me so much in the first place. You are starting to feel sick too, panicking, probably going to the toilet to finish reading this from your phone and thinking, “do I really need to do this?”. Don’t stress, I will tell you what the doctor said, “it will be fine, it is just meteorism” (or in your case uselessness). I did not believe it, if it could kill the dinosaurs, it could also kill me. But then he told me “Now we have medicines for that”, and thank God we are not making a new Jurassic Park, because with that medicine, they would still be alive, and I would be dead. But at least you would not have to read this automatic reply or even do your work.
Warm regards,
Ignacio
